I Had A Fucking Baby.

You know that show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? Yeah, it was kind of like that.

Except I didn't pee this "baby" out in a Wal-Mart or anything like that. However, like most women on that show, I had zero idea that there was anything growing inside of me that I didn't know about and/or that shouldn't be there.

Anyway, I've been a little off-the-grid as I delivered this beautiful 8 pound 14 ounce newborn via c-section six weeks ago. But I'm finally ready to share this story. 1. Because I really do want to share this story and 2. I was going to de-activate this website after paying for it last year and not using it even one time but I forgot to cancel the domain/premium plan in time and was just charged $400 so hopefully that's the motivation I need to use it.

So let's talk about this "bundle of joy." His name is Wilson. He was aptly named Wilson by my friends because by the time we discovered him, he was the size of a volleyball.

So here's the story.

In early October, super tragically, my Dad's brother, my Uncle Joel, passed away. 💔💔💔

It rocked our world. And to be honest it was the start of a handful of tragedies that have plagued my family over the last 7 months.

But the only one I want to talk about right now is mine. It's my site so I'm here to talk about me.

I went to get my heart checked because the Cooperband ticker has been known to do the Cooperbands dirty over the years and was what did my Uncle Joel in. It was recommended we all go see a cardiologist to make sure everything (especially our aortas) were fine.

I was kind of scared but didn't think too too much of it. My sister went a few weeks before me and everything came back normal so obviously I was hoping for the same fate.

NAY NAY.

I got a call from my doctor that my heart is A-OK. *breathes sigh of relief."

BUT, she says, they did find a massive cyst in your abdomen that we need to get sorted right away. "It's probably just an ovarian cyst."

I only had an inkling something might have been wrong because when I went in for the ultrasound of my aorta, they called me 20 minutes later and said they need to bring me back in to do an ultrasound of my abdomen. I tried to find out if I needed to go back in because they found something or if the technician just hadn't gone down as low as she needed to. But of course nobody could tell me anything over the phone. I just thought it was so strange that the cardiologist would have even had time to see the imaging that quickly.

ANYWAY. I'll try to cut to the chase. I understand you don't need every detail but I'm trying to paint a picture here. So my doctor says I need to go for more bloodwork, I need an emergency CT scan, and we need to figure out what the fuck Wilson is.

(Spoiler: he's not a baby.)

The hospital I called wasn't able to get me in for my "emergency" CT scan until May but I knew that wouldn't be good enough. This was back in February and I knew I couldn't wait months. I knew that this thing was BIG. The sizes were marked on the papers I was receiving from all the doctors doing different imaging, with the numbers getting bigger and bigger on each report.

I was able to get in for a CT scan on March 1st after my family and I worked hard to make a few miracles happen. I got my results back that same day and at the very bottom of the page it said "Surgical referral suggested."

Then we really got to work. We knew I needed surgery and I wanted it right away and I only wanted to see the best. I needed a hepatobiliary surgeon and we started making phone calls. I wasn't waiting for my doctor to call me on Monday to get the process going. I needed a plan already in place. Which is very not like me but I needed to fucking evict Wilson ASAP.

I had a consultation with my surgeon which was surreal. Nobody could believe that I didn't even have a single symptom. This was found totally incidentally all thanks to Uncle Joel, my real life guardian angel.

He walked into the room and was like, "Have you seen this thing?" in a very Chandler Bing kinda way. I hadn't and I was dying to. My Mom refused.

Meet my child. Meet Wilson:

It's that big blob in the top right. Squishing that kidney a bit.

But again, no symptoms. My mind was totally blown when I was told about this thing in the first place and it was blown even more when I saw the picture. I knew it was in there but it was kind of shocking to see.

Long story short. This thing is a monster. It needs to come out. He told me the risks. I cried and signed the consent form.

He told me based on the size and location and everything, it should come out in 4-6 weeks. Along with a few apparently insignificant organs. Great. I was glad he didn't say 4-6 months. But I was hoping more for 4-6 days.

Which ended up being what happened. They knew I wanted in right away and would take anything and they called me up and said they could most likely get me in on March 13th for surgery but it wasn't a for sure. I would have to go to the hospital and wait and see if my surgery could be done.

Also the most my Mom thing of all time was getting me a pre-surgery blow-dry just in case. I went into surgery looking bomb. How I came out on the other end is another story.

Editor's note: It didn't last.

My surgery would be done as long as the morning surgery didn't run long and get complicated. Well things must have gone swimmingly for the patient before me, because all of a sudden people started coming over to me and starting I.V.'s in me. That was when I knew there was a pretty good chance it would get done that day.

And thank fuck it did. I couldn't wait weeks and weeks after knowing this watermelon was inside me. I was scared to sleep on my left side because I was petrified of puncturing it. Even though it was quite contained and has most likely been inside me, growing with me, the last 30-something years.

We don't know that for sure though and I don't know if we ever will. I have a follow-up with my surgeon on May 9th and hopefully will get more information then. The official size of Wilson according to the pathology report is 26.0cm x 18.0cm x 11.3cm. He weighed 4022.3 grams which is just shy of 9 pounds.

9 friggin pounds! They told me that this thing was the size of a full-term baby. I had to get an epidural and I even have a C-section line and everything. Except mine goes up-and-down not side-to-side and I'm HOPING it's going to look like the middle 6-pack line when all is said and done. The scar looks pretty gorgeous right now considering it's only 6 weeks old.

I don't think I'll go too much into anything else right now. I feel like this is already quite long and I don't know if it's at all interesting. Plus some pretty important do-or-die hockey kicks off soon.

But basically I spent 5 days in the hospital getting better and stronger every day. I was kickin' serious ass until they took out the epidural that was feeding me drugs 24/7. That night was rough. Other than that though, to be honest I was kind of a rock star.

The nurses would come in every few hours to poke and prod me and give me all types of needles. I had to get a needle in my thigh every 8 hours. And my Mom had to shoot me with one for 28 days after I got home. Honestly it wasn't that bad. Just the anticipation fucking suuucked. I would get so scared when my Mom would come at me with the needle. When I was in the hospital it was easier to be a big girl about it.

I spent most of the last 6 weeks horizontal watching almost every season of Vanderpump Rules. And honestly, it was kind of heaven. The pain sucked but wasn't awful. Getting up and down off the couch wasn't fun because you need to use your core and my core was a bit beaten up. I couldn't laugh or cough or sneeze and if I did, it hurt like a bitch.

And being around my family, it's hard to not crack up. I did a few times and I paid the price. If you were gonna be funny, you couldn't do it around me.

I'm happy to report that it has been 6 weeks (which my surgeon told me was the recovery time) and I have made a full recovery. I think so anyway. I feel back to 100% and I couldn't be happier.

Of course I have a few follow-up appointments and a few appointments with some specialists that sound/might be scary but hopefully they won't be. I am hoping and praying for a clean bill of health and I will get absolutely everything checked out and double-checked until I do.

I truly could not be more grateful to the tremendous doctors and surgeons and staff that were a part of my care. Ugh I still have to write out my thank you cards 😭. I won't reveal their names right now because I don't know how all that confidentiality stuff works. I'll check with them and probably thank them yet again in the future. But I will be ETERNALLY grateful to my cardiologist for finding this big "bugger" as he called it, my surgeon and his crew for doing an unbelievable job, and most importantly, Uncle Joel. A true guardian angel who I know is the reason I am okay right now. He is the reason I am healthy. I now live my life for both of us.

Oh also a quick shoutout to all my fanfuckingtastic friends who supported me every step of the way. I had friends from everywhere, even the U.K and Germany, sending snacks and knitted socks and stuffed animals to my house. To my friends that were there for me during this, I won't ever forget it and I will cherish our friendships forever.

LASTLY. On behalf of myself and Colin Mochrie, I want to share this video as a reminder to always be #cystaware. If you ever think anything is wrong, get it checked out. Even if you don't think anything is wrong, like in my case, just get shit checked out. It can't hurt.

This is one of my favourite gifts from two of my favourite friends.

Also last last thing. As a special treat for making it to end of this thing, if you want to see what Wilson looks like out of the womb, feel free to dm me. I have friends tell me they STILL think about it. It's quite shocking. Not as ugly or gross as you would think to be honest. I just feel like I can't put it in here without a trigger warning. I understand probably not everyone wants to see it. But if any of you sick fucks do lemme know.

P.S. I would still be waiting for my emergency CT scan in May if I hadn't pulled strings to make some miracles happen. Advocate for yourself and always be #cystaware!