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  • Writer's picturetaylor cooperband

Shall We Shag Now or Shag Later, Canada? ๐Ÿ‡จ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡จ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡จ๐Ÿ‡ฆ

PSA: if you're licking someone's nipples and they taste like metal, she's either, duh, a fembot or she's knocked up. Either way, it sounds like it could be a pretty scary situation. Here's what you need to know:

So we always knew that if you're mowin' down on mamillaries and get a mouthful of metal, uh oh, you're about to get shpritzed by some pink clouds and be sleepin' with the fishies by suppah. And by fishies, I mean frickin sharks with frickin laser beams attached to their frickin heads โšก๐Ÿฆˆ.

And chances are, unless your moves are as tremendous as AN INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY'S๐Ÿ•บ (which I highly doubt), sorry baby cakes, but you're about to get whacked. fuggedaboutit.

Au contraire, baby.

On Monday's "Clancy & Carrabis with Kayce Smith," we learned that it ALSO could mean you've got a challah in the oven ๐Ÿฅ– and, I don't know where you're at in life, so either:

a) Mazel tov! ๐Ÿฅณ

b) Ruh Roh ๐Ÿ™ˆ

Catherine the Mailwoman called in to enlighten us that her husband could tell she was pregnant because her nips tasted like a roll of pennies. "Metallicy," she said.

Now, we're very happy for Catherine and her husband for a few reasons. 1) They had been trying for a year and picked a) above so ๐ŸŽ‰ ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰ and 2) good for them for saving the $18 when taste tests >>>>> pregnancy tests anyway. Usually easier, too ๐Ÿฅด. This guy is the real First Response.

That's when the conversation shifted to how extraordinary a "double cum baby" would be.

"I've always thought about that, by the way. You know when you get the nice, rare, double-finish ending. What if you conceive on a simultaneous orgasm? That baby's being born out of fucking LOOVE, man!" KFC exclaimed.

At this point I wanted to call into #CCK to impart some wisdom on these folks that fit in perfectly with where this titanium-tasting titty talk ended up. However, the conversation with Cath was grooving along nicely and I was a little too stoned to deal with trying to figure out how to dial 1-833-857-STOOL, let alone say words out loud.

But this is information more people *deserve* to know.

A few years ago my old man and I were up in Yellowknife, NWT to catch monster pike at this place called Trout Lake Lodge on Great Slave Lake.

We were there at the end of the fishing season talking to Ragnar, the owner, who is one of the wildest cats you'll ever meet in your entire life.

"Ragnar, what's up for the rest of the summer when the fishing season is over?"

"That's when I really start getting busy," he said. "I have tons and tons of Asian tourists coming to 'get busy' under the Northern Lights." ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰.

Cum again?

I don't know if you've ever been lucky enough to see the Aurora Borealis, but they are MAGICAL. They light up the sky, dancing like no one's watching๐Ÿ’ƒ. But if you're lucky, you are watching.

However, some Japanese tourists take it to a whole 'nother level. They go to the Yukon just to get lucky lucky under the pretty, dancing lights ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ€๐ŸŽฐ.

Apparently legend has it that if you conceive a child under them Aurora Borealis--one of the natural wonders of the world NBD--your child will be magical and born with "extra wisdom." Think Harry Potter vibes but better because it's actually real, nobody tried to kill you and your parents, and instead you just had some canookie under the midnight sun. And the fact that the world might be a better place because of it is some powerful stuff.

Shtooping under the shparkling lights is also said to help struggling and/or infertile couples conceive. Luckily, Catherine didn't need to shlep all the way to the Arctic and instead just needed a one-way ticket to Poundtown. Free of charge, I'm assuming ๐Ÿค‘.

After doing some research on the topic, the whole thing is said to be an old wives tale. Just a myth people like to tell. However, that doesn't change the fact that thousands and thousands of Japanese tourists flock to the North every summer to romp around in an igloo.

Maybe they just really love looking at the lights; they are beyond breathtaking after all.

But why *wouldn't* couples test out the theory? You're there anyway.

All I'm saying is if you're ever fortunate to see the the Northern Lights, and you're in the market for a baby and/or good time, you might as well test it out and put the O in O Canada.

Hopefully your miracle baby is a "double cummer." The world could use some of those right about now.

So really there should be 2 O's, eh? OOh I love thee ๐Ÿ˜.

True or not, Canada you still are magic, baby๐Ÿ‡จ๐Ÿ‡ฆ.

P.S. Good luck to Catherine who's about to be delivering a whole lot more than just mail soon๐Ÿ“ฌ๐Ÿ‘ถ. Also, if you didn't do a "You've got mail" baby announcement, you may have done it wrong.

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