Picks Central Pulled a Fast One on me and I Demand Justice
So week 2 of the NFL is about to start and I still have no idea who I’m cheering for yet. 🤷♀️
A few weeks ago I called into the Barstool Sports podcast “Picks Central” to see if they would throw the dart that would determine my NFL team this year. They did but they didn’t. Now I have a doo-do-doo with the boys that I need to get squashed ASAP. Rico Bosco style.
To make a medium-length story short, I am a former New England Patriots fan (2007-2018ish). And yes, I picked that team when I was a horned up teenager and first laid eyes on Tom Brady. It was over for me. Yes, they also happened to be really good. I mean, REALLY good. I wasn’t a bandwagoner though. I couldn't be. I was in love.
It was just an added bonus that they won…a lot. And as a Toronto Maple Leafs fan, I thought I deserved it. Every time the boys in blue would break my heart, my boys in a darker blue would put it back together.
I had a wild ride with the Patriots. The first NFL game I ever went to was an AFC Championship game at Gillette the year they went undefeated (sort of 💔). My sister, who loves Gronk the way I used to love TB12, and I have partied with the Gronkowskis in Vegas and once even attended one of his women’s only training camps in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, Massachusetts. I’ll never forget hearing girls say “I drove 45 minutes to get here.” We were like, “yo, we crossed INTERNATIONAL BORDERS to get here.” Worth it.
I wouldn’t change my time as a Pats fan for anything. After watching the Pats lose twice in the Super Bowl and to Eli Manning of ALL people 🙄, I thought there was no way I would ever see my man win the SB. But, he’s Tom Brady. Duh.
The happiest I’ve been in my entire life was when Malcolm Butler caught that interception in Super Bowl XLIX. And even just thinking of the sound bite of Julian Edelman saying to Brady, “It’s going to be a hell of a story” when they were down by a million during the Falcons SB still gives me goosebumps to this day.
Yes, I send this to every Falcons fan I know every Valentine's Day.
But from then on, I would found myself sort of cheering against the Patriots. I started cheering for the best story. I would deep down want the Dolphins or Bills to win because how cool would that be for them?? They needed it more than we did, anyway.
My heart was no longer in it. I wasn’t really sad when the Eagles beat them in 2018. I didn’t even watch the Rams/Patriots Super Bowl. And this past year was kind of the final straw. I was in Boston watching the Titans game with my friend Lily and the Patriots were losing. There was time left but I could feel in my bones the game was already done. My Brady senses weren’t tingling like they used to.
Lily asked me how I felt and I said, “Nothing. I feel nothing.” "That’s kind of sad,” she said and it really was. It was like the end of a long relationship that had run its course. My heart hadn’t been in it for the last few years and I knew something had to be done about it.
Let’s jump back to present day. I knew how I wanted to pick my next team. It was easy. It was the way I had been picking all my teams in my football pool for the last few years and making all my money: with a dartboard. A special dartboard.
How was it a special dartboard you ask? Because it only has 31 teams. Every team except the Patriots, of course. And in true hippie fashion, what I decided to do is pick a new team every year until I have been a fan of them all.
Cue Picks Central. I had been calling in for a while and finally, finally got through. I tried to explain the whole shtick as best I could but I was so excited to even get through, my edible was hitting me, and my mouth just started RAMBLING. Before I could explain about this dartboard I made, they said they had the dartboard and the darts and were ready to go.
Okay, no problem. They didn’t have my dartboard, but it was good enough. Marty Mush was going to throw the dart and no matter who it ended up on, I was going to back all year. NO MATTER WHAT.
Now there are only two dart rules you need to know.
1. One dart everyone knows the rules
2. Live by the dart. Die by the dart. 🎯
And unofficial rule #3: usually the more you hate your dart, the better.
Marty Mush says “shabam” and throws the dart and away we go.
“L.A. Rams,” Brandon Walker says.
Big Cat corrects him. “That’s the Falcons logo, dude.”
I’m sitting there on the phone thinking uh oh. These guys don’t even know what the logos look like?? They’re supposed to be GAMBLERS.
So now we need a re-throw. Rule #1 is already out the window.
Shabang. Marty Mush throws the second dart. What do you know? Misses the board completely. 🤦♀️
Now they’re insisting on a THIRD throw. Shaboom.
B Walk says it lands on the Arizona Cardinals. Big Cat congratulates me on being a Seattle Seahawks fan.
The edible is really hitting me at this point and I am CONFUSED. I say “okay boys, can’t wait to be the 12th man” because I really just needed to hang up the phone. It was a LOT.
It was supposed to be one dart, it was three. None of these bozos seemed to know what team was what so at this point I still feel kind of teamless. Maybe I’ll cheer for the Seahawks, I think, but I really need to see the video footage.
Said video footage:
Okay, so obviously I was bamboozled. Do I lowkey love that the guys fucked with me? ABSOLUTELY. But do I still want a real throw? HELL YES. Ideally before this weekend so I know who the hell I'm cheering for this year.
The dartboard is currently at Barstool HQ. At this point I don't really care who throws the dart at this point. Whether it's the Picks Central boys, the Hitting the Board crew, or el presidente himself.
All I know is someone needs to throw a dart on that board and I will live by it and I will die by it. And whoever wants to come along for the ride is more than welcome.